Don’t mess with my Mayonnaise AKA How to be appropriate on a date

Mayonaise Updated-04
What has become of dating appropriateness?
It may sound crazy that I will be the one to enlighten you on correct demeanor and etiquette while dating, but I will try to be a good guy and do my part.
I for one believe there should always be free drink refills and extra condiments wherever you eat. Not only at Pizza-hut. That’s partly why I tend to select places I can actually get more for my money when I eat out. It doesn’t have to be a restaurant with poor quality food; some places simply offer these goodies. Sometimes, I do this gross thing where when I’m starved and haven’t ordered at the table yet, I grab the mayonnaise and start eating it straight out of the packets as if there’s no limit to how much cholesterol my body can manage. Ah, the rich texture and creamy goodness. Would I do it on a date? Probably not. Although, life’s a buffet, so I should enjoy every bit of it, right down to the delicious emulsion of egg and oil.
What does mayonnaise have to do with dating etiquette? you ask. Absolutely nothing. I just thought I’d talk about mayonnaise to grease you up before I lay the rules on thick. Have you ever heard of a Tapeworm Shot? You pour vodka in a shot glass with a dash of Tabasco, ground black pepper and you squirt a jizzful of mayonnaise right into it. I just thought I’d really make it gross before I get nice again.
You’ve already heard these bystanders: it’s not appropriate to eat garlic on a first or second date because it gives you bad breath. Always let the other person dig in first if you share a meal, as a courtesy of politeness. Gentlemen stand up for their dame when she leaves the table for a quick powder room check-up. You always serve water to the other person first when there’s a pitcher on the table. You leave that last piece of bread for them even if you really want it…. The list goes on. But a Tapeworm shot though? I wouldn’t suggest that as your first offering. Like, EVER.
When it comes down to it, I think being polite is generally the first go-to. There’s always room for you to show off your personality and be gallant. I’m not saying that your life has to be a fairy-tale or a romance novel. You know, the cliché knight in armor and princess nonsense… Besides, deep down inside, no girl likes a guy who’s stuck up and no guy likes a girl who acts like an heiress with no kingdom.
This leads me to a list of rules I normally apply to my first dates: 
  • Never get shitfaced on a dinner date, especially if it’s your first time meeting face to face. It doesn’t matter how nervous you are, because once you’ve gone past the point of excusable behavior, you might make a fart of yourself and say things you’ll eventually regret having said. Unless the date goes well and you end up in a bar post-desserts, my advice is to stick to 1 or 2 drinks.
  • Don’t go overboard with cologne or perfume. Spray in the air above, hold and walk through instead. The fact that you most likely already have scented body lotion on, hair products with their personal aromas and perhaps really fresh-out-the-press clothes are good enough. You don’t want to smell like a person who just left the sampling department at the pharmacy.
  • If you bring cash, have it in smaller bill counts. I basically mean, don’t be a douche trying to show off with large cuts.
  • Kindly offer to pay for the meal if you genuinely enjoyed the other person and think this is going to be heading further. If it doesn’t, then just tell yourself you didn’t look cheap at least, because you know they’ll tell their friends about the date and “he/she paid” is always one of the first things people come up with because they’re nosy.
  • Don’t yell at waiters. Don’t complain about how long the food service is. Only complain if there’s something wrong with your food. By wrong I mean: there’s a hair in your dish, the food is cold beyond normalcy, you specified an allergy or intolerance and the waiter neglected your request. This sort of thing. Don’t be a whiny guest.
  • Only talk about the weather once if you really must. Don’t try and correct the other person if you think they are mistaken. Do offer a counter-argument, but only if it will add pertinence to the conversation. Proceed with complimenting the other, but don’t shower them with Hallmark card wishes you memorized for such occasions.
  • Avoid any topics relating to Trump. Honestly, I probably don’t need to tell you.
So there you have it.
At this point in the date, you might feel that my advice is not useful to you because you’re holding back and aren’t being yourself completely, and let’s be honest: in 3 weeks’ time, if this is still going strong, you’ll naturally be more relaxed and won’t behave like this on purpose unless you’ve been taught to do so your entire life.
Regardless, I think it’s always nice to play nice on a date and try to win some points. As a personal guideline, I don’t talk about my obsession with mayonnaise during dates. It just creates the weird idea that I bathe in it.
There’s always a chance that your date went down the crapper or you simply don’t like the other person as much as you liked their online profile. It’s possible they embellished a lot of their profile as well and aren’t who they appear to be IRL. I’ll write an entire post about this one day. It’s also possible you were set up by a friend or colleague with a really bad judge of character. Sometimes it just happens. There’s always that friendly, never judging jar of mayonnaise waiting for you at home. Do what you will with it. Invite your friends over and do hair-masks or exfoliating skin scrubs. Finally restore the vintage wood furniture you got, buffing out old. Shine your plants by applying a dab on the leaves. Make a macaroni salad even if it’s winter because it’s simply the best.
In case the date goes sour and you don’t intend for the night to go further because A) you haven’t had time to shower and don’t feel fresh, B) your date is in the morning and breakfast dates are not dates or C) they turn out to be catfishing you and are insane to think this is leading to anything, simply tell them when they greet you: I’m just here for the mayonnaise.
All kidding aside, if a legit date isn’t great, don’t overplay the “I got a phone call” excuse at the table or the “I must use the bathroom” to leave unless you really have to go. Never start texting your GBF (Gay Best Friend) or your Fag Hag in the dead of conversation. This only makes things more awkward and the other person probably will fondle around asking you deeds on your personal life that in the end are no better than the small talk you gave him on the dating app previously. What’s worse is when they ask you the same questions asked before you guys met up the night before. If they become intolerable out of the sudden, or you simply don’t like their chewing, read on carefully:
Excuse yourself momentarily, get up from the table and fetch the waiter who is serving you. Make sure to do this within a limited timeframe and without adding any dramatic antics. By that time, your date will most likely be checking out their phone so you have a moment to yourself. Ask the waiter to get your food to go if it was not served already and to put it on the table’s bill. Evaluate if the date is an idiot and let them pay. I know, I am backtracking and asking you to be impolite, but this is only rude or gross dates.
You can also be nice and pay for the meal because ditching a date can be the most immature thing to do and leaves a crap impression on all of their friends you’re about to be requested by on the dating apps. You know, those losers who want to eat the scraps even if they hear it’s “not great”. Claim the to-go plate and leave. Send the date a “sorry, I was feeling dizzy and I have onset diarrhea” through text. Chances are, he is already online checking out other dates while you’re making yourself scarce.
While they’re already looking for another quick romance, you can start planning your newly found free time. If the food was already on the table and you simply decided to leave without excuse, then good on you for being ballsy. No pun intended. The diarrhea text is quite useful when you don’t want to hear back from someone. Tried, tested and true.

 

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